


A Forbidden Romance

by DJRoomba



Category: Shrek (Movies), Wreck-It Ralph (2012)
Genre: FUCK, IN CASE THIS ISN'T EVIDENT, LMAO, M/M, Parody, i did it, i hate my life, i think you can pin point the exact moment where my soul died
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-02 01:41:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13307730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DJRoomba/pseuds/DJRoomba
Summary: Shrek decides to get back into the dating world. What he finds is more than he expects...





	A Forbidden Romance

 

“I cant believe this is really happening”, thought Shrek to himself. “After Fiona died, I never thought I would get back into dating.” He fumbled with his tie. He had to look good for his date.

After Fiona died from a dragon attack, Shrek’s life went into a downward spiral of drugs and depression. He was a mess. After a DUI arrest, his swamp got foreclosed and that’s when he knew he needed to get his life in order. He checked into rehab and began the lengthy process of rebuilding his broken life.

He thought back to how he got to where he’s standing right now, waiting at the bar for his beautiful date to arrive.

“You gotta get back out there, man!” said Donkey, at Shrek’s new apartment, one week prior. “You can’t wait for any bimbo without a brain to throw herself at you!”

“Yeah, but…” Shrek trailed off.

“But what?”

“I don’t know if I’m ready. I _loved_ Fiona. I’m not ready to let go.”

“Come on man!” said Donkey, with some annoyance growing in his voice. “It’s been three years. You need to let go.” He grabbed Shrek’s phone.

“What are you doing! Give that back!”

“I’m downloading an app.” He fumbled with the phone for a moment.

“What app.”

“It’s called Tinder. It’s how people meet each other nowadays. Just _try_ it, you’ll love it. I promise.”

Shrek and Donkey spent the rest of the night creating a profile, finding the perfect pictures, and swiping through a bunch of beautiful princesses. A few matches, but nothing great.

“I don’t know man,” said Shrek, hesitantly. “I’m still not entirely sure about this.”

“Just trust me!” assured Donkey. “Give it a little while, you’ll have a bunch of fly honeys macking on you in no time. “

After one more round of assurances and drinks, they parted ways for the night. And Shrek thought to himself, that would be the end of this night and this stupid app, once and for all.

 

* * *

 

 

Over the next week, Shrek opened the app two or three more times, but no one ever really stood out. His frustration growing, he brought up the screen to delete the app many times, but just couldn’t bring himself to go through with it. He knew something special was just around the corner.

One day after his nine hour shift at McDonald’s, it happened. On his break, between bites of his juicy McChicken sandwich, he checked his phone to see he had a new notification: “Tinder: You have a new match! Open to find out who.”

Almost frantically, he opened the app. His eyes were greeted with one of the most beautiful women he has ever seen, Jasmine. 

 

> Jasmine: “hey :)”

There she is. Waiting. Waiting for me. Shrek’s heart fluttered.

“No,” Shrek thought. “I can’t do that. I still love Fiona.” He closed the app and went back to work.

Later that night, he couldn’t get Jasmine out of his mind. Restless and unable to sleep, he gave into temptation.

 

> Shrek: “Hey! what’s up?”
> 
> The reply was almost instant.
> 
> Jasmine: “Nothing much!”
> 
> Jasmine: “Up a little late aren’t we?”
> 
> Shrek: “haha you’re right. I just got out of work.”
> 
> Shrek: “couldn’t sleep”
> 
> Shrek: “what’s up”
> 
> Jasmine: “I’m just happy a handsome man like yourself is talking to me :)”
> 
> Shrek: “well, you’re not too bad on the eyes yourself either, haha”

And like that, the conversation continued well into the early morning. They hit it off instantly. The days passed and soon they talk more and more until they were almost always in conversation. Finally the day came, they set up a date and they were going to meet. A few hours before they were going to meet, Jasmine messaged him.

> Jasmine: “I don’t know if I can go through with this…”
> 
> Shrek: “what? why!”
> 
> Jasmine: “I should be… honest with you”
> 
> Shrek: “what do you mean?”
> 
> Jasmine: “I look… different than what you think I do.”
> 
> Shrek: “that’s ok! I don’t care!”
> 
> Shrek: “I like you for who you are, not what you look like. i’m just glad to see you.”
> 
> Jasmine: “ok… just don’t be surprised when you see me. ok?”
> 
> Shrek: “ok, see you soon!”

And so, he put on his best shirt and a tie, made his way to the restaurant and waited for his date to show. He waited and waited for what seemed like hours.

“Would you like a menu, sir?” asked the waiter.

“No thanks…” stammered Shrek. “I’m- uh. kinda waiting for someone.”

“As you wish, sir.”

The restaurant was fairly empty; empty enough, at least, to see everyone there.

“Had I missed her?” Shrek thought, frantically. “Am I early? Is she just late? Am I being stood up? Oh god, I’m being stood up. I shouldn’t have done this. I’m so dumb.” All these thoughts swirling around in his head, he couldn’t think straight. He laid his head down on the table. She wasn’t showing up.

Suddenly, there was a tremendous thud at the front door. A ginormous, muscular man, seemingly unaware of his own size bumbled into the restaurant, knocking over almost everything that wasn’t bolted down to the table in his wake.

Shrek looked up, startled. He locked eyes with the mysterious stranger for a second, and for a moment, Shrek noticed, the man’s face lit up before he composed himself once again. Shrek was… confused.

He heard his name being called. It was the man. He stood up.

“How do you know my name?” At once, the man lost the bubbly composure. Nervously, he replied.

“Its, uhh. Its me, Jasmine.” The silence hung in the air for just a moment. “Or, uhm, at least as you know me. My- my real name is.. Ralph.”

Shrek said nothing.

“Listen, I know I’m not Jasmine, not even close, I don’t know why I did it. I wasn’t even going to meet you but something…” The words just kept falling out of his mouth, not even giving himself time to breathe. “You said today that you don’t care about what I look like, you said that its who I am on the inside, yes? I know I’m not a princess, I’m an oaf. But something about you, made me want to come. I’m sorry. This is who I am.”

The silence hung for just another moment. Then it dropped. In one deft movement of the hand, Shrek raised his hand and slapped Ralph across the face, turned, and walked away.

“I can’t believe Donkey talked me into this.” He mumbled under his breath.  

“No please!” Ralph shouted. He reached out to grab Shrek’s hand and he walked away. The entire restaurant was silent. All eyes were on him. “Please.” He said once more, softly this time. “Just give me a chance.”

Shrek looked him square in the eye. “Outside. Now.”

Outside, after a moment to process what just happened, Shrek finally got a chance to check out the man who was apparently his date for the evening. He was a tall man, taller than he was, wearing orange flannel and brown overalls, either hastily put one, or broken because it was flapping on one side. In the dark he couldn’t tell which. He had a slightly roundish face topped with a hazel colored mop of a hairstyle, but by no means was he overweight. Far from it, he had the figure of a body builder.

It was, Shrek thought to himself for a moment, kind of working for him. He caught himself. He steeled his face, looked Ralph in the eyes and asked him the question that’s been running through his head this whole time.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I,” Ralph started. “I was afraid. I mean, look at me. You think anyone wants this? I’m a hulking buffoon who can’t walk two feet without knocking something over.”

Shrek still stared at him, waiting.

“I thought maybe, at least I can talk to people online, meet some new friends, maybe. Maybe something might happen. I never intended for this to go this far. I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me.”

Shrek stood there for a moment, thinking. Ralph only looked at him with a slight pout on his face. God, it was cute. Without warning, Shrek indulged himself. He brought Ralph into his thick embrace and locked lips with that son of a bitch. The sexy juice was flying all over between them.

Barely having any time to breathe between them, they took turns shoving their tongues down each other’s throats. It was pure bliss. Shrek felt something press against his leg. He took a mental inventory. He felt one of Ralph’s thick meaty hands rapped around his head, pulling him in closer. He felt the other hand firmly around his own ass, squeezing it for dear life. So what was against his- oh.

Slowly, Shrek pulled away from Ralph’s beautiful face and slid his hands down Shrek’s chest and into his pants. He is dick could only get so erect. Shrek’s hand on Ralph’s juicy meat sick. Oh god, it was so big. That moved the needle.

Shrek fell to his knees immediately, pulled that thick log out of Ralph’s pants, and started jerking it for all it was worth.

“Oh god.” Ralph moaned. “It feels so good.”

Shrek pulled Ralph’s member just inches from his face, and started slurping that juicy cock down. He was THROWING THAT NECK. He was eating that good good man lasagna, having the time of his life.

“I’M CUMMING.” Ralph shouted. He pulled his ole one eye out of Shrek’s mouth and jerked it for just a second. Shrek waited, on his knees, begging for his sticky cum all over his face. Ralph unloaded. Shrek’s face was covered in the juicy man goo. He guzzled it down like Pac Man at a bukkake. It tasted slightly of pineapples.

Shrek stood up and whispered into Ralph’s ear.

“Please, my asshole. He’s dying.” He dropped his pants and bent over. "Ralph, this is my first time, please be gentle."

"Your asshole?" Ralph asked. "I'M GONNA WRECK IT."

Ralph and Shrek went at it like two baboons who just figured out the Sunday sale at Macy’s is over. The sound of Ralph’s balls slapping Shrek’s ass was deafening. At this point, they’ve drawn a pretty considerable crowd. Everyone was cheering.

After several hours of sweet passionate lovemaking, both Shrek and Ralph climaxed at the same time. They were spent. The crowd was going ape shit. They loved it. Seth Myers himself came out of the crowd to give them an Academy Award for Best Everything. They’ve done it.

Donkey married Shrek and Ralph on a hot summer’s day, one month after their passionate lovemaking session. And they lived happily ever after.

**Author's Note:**

> i hate my life.


End file.
